I looked at you differently

In the light
Of the fluorescent lamp
You're hunched over,
Thinking like those funny Greek statues in museums,
A quiet beauty.

The slope of your nose,
Wonder of your eyes,
Curve of your lips.

I stare,
Caught in a Yeats poem.
Its an odyssey,
Falling for someone.
Its a breakthrough,
learning to love again.

Merci Mille Fois, Mon amour.

He woke me up.

While my eyes were filled with morning dew
Rolling over in bed to face him through sleepy eyelashes
He's leaving to start his day
The morning is filtering through the blinds
And we, are happy.
The air is filled with what we want to say
I ___ you
So I ask,
Do you love me?
He says
Yes, I love you
He pulls a gray shirt on, I love you
He slips a belt around his waist, I love you
When he shuts the door behind him, he taps on the open window,
I love you
and, I, I love him
I say it easily, without any hesitation, without any doubt in my mind.

I must have...

Missed something
In between the here and now
You aren't the same anymore
or,
Maybe, I'm different
or,
Both.
What I do know is that I wasn't scared to climb onto the slanted roof
To watch the sky change colours and share ghost stories with our friend.
I haven't said fuck you to my own fears for a long time,
Since I was a kid jumping over ravines and swimming in murky lakes.
I'll always miss you and love you but
I mean the you I knew, the memory of you, not the here and now because
I've learned to love myself and life, again and
Frankly, I am no longer in love with you.

I think I'm in love.

I think I'm in love,
again.
I realized tonight,
that love is continuous
memorable, sad and
forever beautiful.
Always beautiful,
the way the sun always rises
but everyday you see it from a different rooftop.

Please, please, please

Don't give me a reason to doubt you,
to backtrack, to step away.
It would be another chip in my shoulder,
another ravel in the fray.

We don't even care.

Dancing until our legs ache
Throwing away checklists
Drawing hearts on fogged glass
and for the first time in a long time,
I don't feel like running when he holds my hand.

Whoever that was,
Whatever we were,
I'm long gone.

I thought I was extinct

Til I met you.
Now all the doors are opening and
I'm running through.
You say all the right things
With all the right moves.
You make it easy to forget
With everything to lose.

Its easy losing perspective when you're holding your breath.
The lack of oxygen makes your brain fuzzy, your fingers numb.
So, breathe and everything will be clear again.

Q: How do you know?
A: You don't.

Can we grow organically?
Rather than a tree tied to a post.
I know I make you happy
But I'd rather be a ghost
Floating aimlessly
Making the most of most.

I'm always searching for the perfect lie, when all I want is you.

I'm too...

Proud to love.
To beg.
To ask.

Rather be...
Cool
Cold
Classic.
An Ageless Marble Column Stoic in the Grecian Wind.

The Moment She Said It

Keys in the ignition ready to go.
The Words tumbling out of her mouth.
The moment they hit the dirty car floor.
She scrambled to pick them up, take them back.
Regret, settling in like an unwanted visitor.
Looking at him, both knowing the weight, the consequences.
The truth is a beautiful, imagined thing.

Me.

I'm not the sort of woman to untangle you
Never had much patience for
Men with unsteady convictions.

But I'll unravel you
Promise everything until the end
Love you madly until
I leave you.

That is life
That is me
Brutally honest
Vivid until the credits roll and the lights fade.

You.

I am trying to figure you out.
Why you fall so easily,
Need so desperately,
Change your mind so suddenly.

Then...
I try to figure you out.
When you ask me if that was me
Walking by your house today
A memory flicking past your window.

Happy.

We hear what we want to hear
Creating languid pictures of idealistic landscapes
We do it all the time
Daydreaming forever
Silly children gazing at clouds
Tracing rainbows with our callused hands
It is the essence of being human
This unrelenting hope for happiness.

Gravity

For awhile he lay there staring at the ceiling.
I was half asleep.
Then, suddenly
I really like you.
A pause, the air stiffening.
I told him to be careful,
Gravity gets the best of us.
Yet,
I like you too.
He said,
If it were different it would be you.
Like the song,
It's bad enough we get along so well.

A Tribute to Rabbit

We dreamed of cities crumbling and feet burdened by concrete and telephone wires.
Every time the sickening reality hit our stomachs, we woke up from this nightmare.
When the moment arrived that we walked away from the debris
I think that panicked feeling took over us both
We've been waking up since then.

"Why does one begin to write? Because she feels misunderstood, I guess. Because it never comes out clearly enough when she tries to speak. Because she wants to rephrase the world, to take it in and give it back again differently, so that everything is used and nothing is lost. Because it's something to do to pass the time until she is old enough to experience the things she writes about."
— Nicole Krauss

Baby, You Can't

I can't say anything.
No no no
Cuz baby we both don't know what we want.
But I do know I find relief in
the lack of expectations,
the thrill of walking thin lines,
and the sense that our time is limited.
But baby, you can't call me baby
Can't confess my beauty and run your hands everywhere
and let me run mine.
Can't tell me that you want me all to yourself and pull me close when I try to leave.
Can't rest your head in my lap as we talk about nothing until five in the morning.
Can't watch me sleeping when the sunrises and press your lips deep into my hair (and I know you do because I'm only pretending to sleep.)
You can't, at least, not when her picture is on the bedside table, in a frame of pastel colors.

She is a parasite
A puh puh puh puh-ruh-site.
And you know what?
She doesn't really give a damn.
Because accusing me of you,
Only makes two!
And anyway how beautiful everything is!
The sky is blue
The palm trees sway in the warm breeze
and God! We are young!
That is what it is to be young:
to be beautiful, selfish, reckless,
adored, thrilling, and yes!
Puh Puh Puh Puh-Ruh-Sitic.

Something is strange about today.
Summer has strolled in early.
The air is warm and the sun
is not just beaming,
its radiating.
I have that feeling you get when you wake up
on a lazy sunny day
and the bright afternoon
cascades through the blinds:
An avalanche of light and possibilities.

I want to run to the beach and drink this happiness.
Float up up and away with it.

Somehow I managed to drink a bit too much on a Tuesday night. Marvelous. Now I am hungover and patiently waiting in the library for my next class. Libraries and churches, never optimal places to recover from a hard night out. The first never has anywhere comfy to sit when trying to ease the spins, although the books do offer a momentary distraction. The second is simply morally questionable, as throwing up in the restroom behind the pews while the sermon drones on and parents discretely pinch their children to keep quiet is never favorable and the event will probably be held against me when I meet Peter at the gates.

In any case, it was the usual Taco Tuesday night in Newport. Drinking, eating and smoking with good people. Except this time he was there and he actually apologized for the first time in almost a year. He said he was sorry and I said it was okay and patted his arm. Then, like that, we got on just fine. Talking and laughing with everyone else, like friends. I'm surprisingly really happy with the whole situation. For the first time in a long time, I feel as if everything is almost just right, for the moment.

Reconciliation. Cordiality. A sense of peace, at last. For now.

Everybody moves so cool
and a go go go
Like they have somewhere to go
and some place to be baby!
But not me
I'm satisfied growing by the sea
And not you, cause you're as happy as can be
But, if anyone looked too closely
They would see
That we're all liars
Floating glass by the shining shining sea

I broke a heart today.
He was crying in my arms
I didn't know what to do.
I felt guilty as I collected my things,
my papers and clothes.
Felt his tears wet my back
His hair brush against my cheek.
He'll remember things like a picture book.
The rush of the first kiss,
coffee on the beach,
walks in the city,
holding hands in bookstores,
the afternoon light pouring onto
the unmade sheets.
And I, am a ghost to everything.

I am you

standing in the middle of nowhere
trying to find my fate.