I am so mentally, physically, and emotionally exhausted right now. I just want to get away.

You're so kind, when I'm so cold
I beat it out of me

I feel so refined and oh so old
I beat it out of me

You love me like we're both 19
I beat it out of me
I beat it out of me
I beat it out of me

We're in this city so big and town so small,
moved our boxes pushed against the wall
We have this love, but do we have it all?

Let's dance forever.
No, I really mean it.
Let's live like we've got our whole lives ahead of us.
For this moment.
Like, everything is possible
because you know, everything is.
When I grab your hand in mine
Let's jump,
over the the ledge of this pier.
Watch the water below us, how its so dark and blue under the rush of the night
how our toes are dangling over the ambiguous edge.
The only thing separating us and the dark blue is the air in between.
So, let's jump.
Oh please Oh please!
We've been waiting our whole lives for this moment!

He talks with a languid overdose of excess.
Each word deliberate and mean baby
Like you got something to say,
and you do.

Which is why I'm on the edge of my seat
Leaning in closer while you sing and hit those guitar strings
I'm not looking for a love affair here
but i see you and you see me
and as the music gets louder,
our legs twitch to fall into the sublime.

You won't find me there.
You're looking around book stacks, brick corners, and concrete doors.
You won't find me there.
We're a clear shot from forever, a quick guitar beat from nowhere.
I just don't want to leave you brokenhearted.
I can be your sure shot little lady but you can't call me baby.
Because I'm just not the one.

Currently in love with T.S. Eliot's essay "Tradition and the Individual Talent."

I walked out on him. When I came back I said that "whatever we were doing" wasn't working for me. He put his glasses on and said he'd go on Wednesday because he wants me "to be happy."

I need to remind myself what is and isn't, what to expect and what not to expect, sometimes things are so brutally clear its exasperating.

I can swear its in the morning
And baby boy you're fornicating on my time

Red Lipstick was smeared across his mouth.
I asked him what it was.
He said: the truth.
I told him to wash it off and that I didn't want to see those kinds of things.
He started crying because he said he was falling for me and felt terrible.
I said: its ok, we're not together.
And now, he wants to give us:
"a shot."
But I don't understand what that means.
The city swallows us in its lights.

You scare me when you get too close. The closer I pull you, the farther I get. Its a problem I guess.

I was talking about the ambiguous the other day and god, what a scary thing it is.

Today he kissed me on his way out to work.
I popped my head from under the covers
and looked at him cautiously with my eyes open.
He said he would see me in a bit and that we would get drinks with my friends later tonight, but he told me to stay and sleep because that's what he would do.
When he left I lay in his bed, wrapped in his covers and watched the morning air blow through the open window. It was sunny outside and smelled like something new.

I don't like that word, "regret," it is utterly inefficient.

He said he thinks about me all the time but doesn't want to waste his time. So he said, "Tell me where I fit into this all." Into my story? Into my series of miscellaneous events? He said, "Yes." So I told him everything I was afraid of telling and when I finally let my breath out, he smiled. He's giving me the freedom and the emotion I've been looking for. I never imagined that I'd ever meet someone like this. He's brutally logical, yet one of the kindest and sincerest person I've met. I guess you could say he's radical with an equal amount of sensibility.

People are strange and funny things. They are enigmas and so painfully simple. They like to think that they are governed by logic, but more often than not it is their heart that runs them.

I called my mom up today about rent, but really I just wanted to talk about this heavy feeling that's been pressing at my brain.

Then we started talking about my little brother. He took the car keys from my mom telling her he just wanted to listen to the radio. Then the police were at the door telling us that he had crashed into a neighbor's car and was hallucinating. They sent him to the psychiatric ward. My mother didn't want to think about it and went to Florida for a conference. My parents blame him for the way he is and they secretly blame themselves. I wish everyone would stop grasping blindly and just take it for what it is. My little brother is a bit fucked up but he's just a kid.

My head hurts from the whirlwind. Magazine is coming along, man life is up in the air, friends are being wonderful creatures.