Everything is necessary.
Even heartbreak, death, and pain.

I told him I get moody
"It's just a warning," I said.
"I will make you happy," he said.
Easier said than done I thought.

I had that same feeling
when we would lie in your bed
the wet cold of the San Francisco fog
seeping through the windows
into your bedroom
where we lay in the dark
watching the gray air linger outside
happy warm and content.
And in love.

It was last night that this feeling
struck me
the same wet cold rolling from the Newport shores
into my own room as I lay in bed
except it was someone else next to me
someone else falling in love
watching the muscles in my face
and I couldn't look at him
every time I tried I felt like crying
because it reminded me of you
and how real and true and raw we were
he told me my eyes looked sad
I forced a smile, said I was tired
You probably remember that line
I told him I wish I was 19 again
That I wished I could take a month long vacation
and go back for a little while
he asked why
I said I wanted the mindset of that age
how everything was new and you jumped into things without hesitation

God, I miss you so much sometimes I close my eyes and try to escape into what was.
But I can't, because it isn't real and I should be old enough to know that.

Between the Two.

I decided halfway through dinner, between the miso soup and tuna rolls,
That it wouldn't be you.
My friend's say I wear my heart on my sleeve, so I'm guessing you sensed me distancing myself. Maybe, I was too comfortable with you at that point. No more need for charades of impeccable elegance and girlish demeanor.
I was me, raw and unapologizing.
Is that why you clutched my arm close to yours as we walked on the pier, why you pressed your palms against my shoulders as we both looked at the yachts floating in place?
It was a good conversation, one of our best.
You told me more about your family, that part that no one sees and that I had been longing to know. You asked if I wanted to go with you on Sunday to buy a new couch and t.v for your studio.
After, you asked me if I wanted to come over, as usual, and I said I was busy.
I could tell you were upset but you said everything was fine.
Later you sent me a text retracting your words.

So, I came over. To talk.
You said you liked me, but was frustrated because here I was ignoring you for two weeks while you were limiting yourself. You pointed out charts and numbers that proved you were looking for more, that you were serious.

But how funny it is, your selective memory. And I recognized this, and you reminded me of him. The manipulation of words, the calm disregard for the repeating drunk calls I didn't answer, your own proof that no, this was more than innocent ignorance.

I searched your stucco ceiling for an answer, the sleek surfaces of your Ikea furniture, your expensive ties hung with delicate care. No, we were looking for different things I said. You said you didn't think we were but alright, o.k.

I said we could still be friends.
You said you have enough friends.

So, that is that. I chose him over you because he doesn't scare me the way you do. His smile and clear-cut affection are safer than your masked emotions, which cling to my bones in a deeper way. But I don't want scars. With him, I am pleasantly appeased, happy at constant degrees. With you, you settle yourself deep, make yourself at home in our chaotic embrace. I could say, I want you more, I feel more when I am with you. But, at the moment, that isn't what is best for me, not the logical, safe choice. And it cringes my insides to think like that, in a manner I disdained when I was younger. What happened to young, reckless love? I suppose it vanishes when one has been trampled and resurrected more than once. I am trying to decide if it is an improvement in logic, or a crumbling bravery.

Warning Signs

I gave you a second chance.
You said thank you when I came back.
Repeated it several times when I decided to stay
There, in the dim light of your studio.

Now, you've fucked up.
When you didn't come to the shop.
I'm not coming back this time.
I'm done ignoring the warning signs.

On Halloween

On Halloween I ended things with him. My drawn in whiskers were smudged, like ash on his nose. I grew quiet, the vodka swimming in our eyes. He asked what was wrong, pressed against him like that, close and quiet. He said he liked me a lot, that we could try things and see how they would go. He said it would be harder to end things the longer we went on. Then he admitted that he was moving for a promotion in three to six months. I said the ambiguous is the scariest thing to human beings, that it starts wars. I pressed my lips together firmly. I want and wanted it to work so much. I wanted to stay there pressed against him and have the courage and blind optimism to trust in something. But I don't and didn't. So I put on my cat ears with the little red bow, got up, and walked towards the door. I stood there, my palm on the cold doorknob, for eternity. I know and knew what it meant if I opened and shut it behind me.

I don't remember if I kissed him goodbye.

The warehouse echoes everything I can't feel
Music pounding in our brains
Bodies naked and pulsating against flashing lights
I hold you and you hold me

There is something thrilling about you.
And no, its not your money and your nice things
Its you, the nuances, the quiet hesitancy, the determined patience, the way you hold art in between your fingers, your vulnerability that momentarily shows when the wind blows the curtains back.

I wish you could be more of you, than more of all that.
I could love you, possibly.
But you terrify me with those velvet curtains you wrap so tightly
around your skin.

I am falling slowly
Unto my own collapse
Words fall through
my see-through mouth
but I'm hopeful
in the twilight of the day
when everything is evanescent
I'm waiting for someone to take
this sinking feeling
but then night comes
and I forget and remember
how it felt in the morning.

"I'm scared of what's behind and what's before." M&S

I can't take things slowly.
Honey dripping down a slanted table
Drives me crazy
They are screeching metal pots.
I can't consider cost and effect.
I jump right into the rush
Feeling everything at once
Then suddenly nothing.
That is the epitome of me.

Today I am exhilaratingly happy.
Maybe it's the dinners and walking hand in hand
through galleries and sipping sunrises over clams.
Or, the dancing in dimly lit corners,
deliriously smoking on rooftops,
the cool beach air blowing through our fingertips,
the good friends and family and the laughing,
Oh how I've missed the laughing!

Sugar Honey Baby, I don't wait for anyone,
You should know that.

Leather Skirt
Lace Shirt
Nails Painted RED
I'm going to tear this town apart.

Darling, you should know that
You are a long way from home
Hearts break like splintered bones here
Melt like stone to glass
You can feel so much in an instant
Then have it all gone in a flash.

I am convinced that I will never be happy with anybody.

We are two broken-hearted strangers fucking in the cold.
The ocean water spraying into my hair.
Your knees digging into the unforgiving rock.
I think of this and contemplate the sea.

I folded a church pamphlet into a fortune teller today.

Doors open and close
Their wooden facades chipping,
little brown snowflakes
floating to the ground.
The sun is setting,
golds and oranges
slowly melting into the horizon.
She is sitting in the kitchen
watching all this,
You walking through the door at sunset.
She wonders where you've been.
Before she knew you,
when you were a child climbing branches,
when you reached the top of the oak tree and thought
you were on top of the world.
You sit down next to her,
touching the tip of her knee.
The golds and oranges are gone outside.
Now, there is green streaking the sky,
an ethereal moss of the heavens.
You both sit there,
staring out the window,
the door wide open,
waiting for the sun to set.

I feel like a lot of people see me as
something sitting in the window to buy.
A pretty face with a pleasant personality.
Only touchable until their fingers touch the glass.

Let's be something substantial.
Something that stands on its own,
Solid, Strong, and Unshakable.
When the wind blows let's laugh in its face.
It will never know us, the way we know us anyways.

He said, we could be fantastic, swell, merry.
I look at him like a deadbeat scenario.
Out one ear and flung through the window.

Driving downtown.
Blast of the radio ringing in my head.
Cigarette smoldering to a bloody red.
Mind is buzzing like there is no end.
Pedal keeps pushing til we're all dead.

You have a habit of turning around, changing your mind.
Like I do, like a spin top cherry that doesn't touch the ground.
You send me angry messages when you're lost in your own drunkeness,
wanting me to find you, to save you.
How can I do that, when I can't even save myself?
We were a mish-mash pile of anger and discontent.
Yet, madly in love.
At this age, nothing lasts because everyone's too volatile for their own making.
Unless, of course, you were raised in a happy home.
And maybe that's why we loved so much, because neither of us were.

Ideally, I would like to be everything at once.
The sweat on the tips of your fingers
When the bullet bites close.
The girl nimbly pouring coffee on the corner of a noisy city.
The air on a cold morning when the sky is pale and cruel.
The slowly smoldering cigarette held between wet lips.
The first kiss between two strangers in a dark dingy corner.
And this, I would like to be ____.

Is it fair to say I'm a wrecking ball?
Waiting for the weight to fall.

There's something in the air tonight.
It shifts and shivers in the light.
There's something creeping up my bones.
It makes me feel so oh alone.

Everybody tells me to let go of my baby.
Everybody says
Turn Around
Turn Around

Everybody tells me to let go of my baby.
But its so hard
I've already hit the ground.

So I tell myself I'm fine.
Its the matter over mind.
I can click back and just rewind.
There is nothing to define...here.

There's something creeping up my bones.
It makes me feel so oh alone.
There's something in the air tonight.
It flies away just like a kite.

You're something funny.
You're something heart-
bre--
aking
And in the moonlight, when you ask
You're something life-threaten--ing
And I could take you, if I wanted to
But in the moonlight you're so pretty that its
Wrenching to.
We're sitting pretty,
We're sipping coffee,
Something delirious, experience the moment through.
If you forget it, then I'll forget me.
And we can speed our cars through cities,
If you'd like to.

I've gotten into the habit of smoking and taking walks around the apartment complex. Today I watched the lights of Irvine from far away, they were beautiful, almost ethereal. Funny, how even this sterile city can conjure up life in the most particular of moments. I like the taste of tobacco on my breath. Although, I worry that the people around me might mind the odor. So, I wear a wool jacket to hopefully ward off the lingering smell. Also, its handy because its still chilly here on summer nights.

I think life happens when you least expect.
At least, that's what I'm thinking now.
Although, I can't make charts and graphs out
To explain it, no vivid lines and big font numbers.
No, I'm taking it day by day.
Accepting the fact that I'll never be sure of anything.
Only myself, and with that
I'm satisfied.

I can't sleep because I feel like the world is hounding down on my shoulders.

I am currently working on the next GREAT AMERICAN NOVEL/Chick Flick on Meth. We'll see how this goes.

I couldn't find me if I wanted to, I'm in the middle of nowhere and happily breathing in the ambiguous.

I walked away from him sleeping on the couch. And the rest of us moved to the cold sand, the summer night blew through our thin clothes and tingled our skin. We stood on the shore and dared one another to plunge into the ocean. The boy with the funny jokes and green sweater bluffed; I said I would go nude if he'd go nude. I played with my spaghetti straps and bluffed until he took his shirt off and we all laughed. Then, as he laughed along and shook his head, I stripped to my underwear and laughed. Said, "did you really think I'd go naked for you guys?" and ha-ha-ha'd all the way into the water, feeling the ice cold ocean pour over me up to my bare shoulders. Green shirt ran after me and lifted me up, daring to throw me all the way in. I screamed and playfully kicked into the air until he said give him a reason why he shouldn't. I said because I'd be his best friend forever. He smiled and finally put me down. He said I had convinced him. When we joined Jen and his friend on the beach, his friend said, "No, lie that was pretty hot" and I nodded, "Why, Thank You." Later, I reminded green shirt of our "best friend" agreement and he smiled and said he was glad I could keep a promise.

I just got back from Vegas. Had a wonderful time getting to know the girls better over drinks and smart remarks.

I met with B, the underwear model, and could see myself falling for him easily. Which, is why I am stepping away of course.

At 4 in the morning M told me that he really had to tell me something. So, in a black dress smelling of cigarettes and my breath reeking of champagne and cranberry vodka, I went downstairs to meet him in the field of slot machines. Truthfully, I don't remember much, as I was very drunk. Although he brought up the possibility of us trying to work out some sort of relationship and I remember getting into a conversation that went something like this:

Me: Anyway, you wouldn't want to be in a relationship with me. I'm crazy and moody.
M: No, I would.
Me: No, you wouldn't
M: (vigorously nodding) Yah, I really would.
Me: No, you wouldn't.
M: Yah, I would.
Me: No, you wouldn't.
M: Yah, I would.
Me:No, you--
M: Okay, this is going nowhere.

Moral of the story: Don't argue with a drunk girl, I just became more stubborn than I usually am. I also remember watching him while he talked and thinking that it was very unfortunate that I couldn't lean over and kiss him. As, that would only lead him on and wouldn't be the "right" thing to do. Then, I remember his face getting really sad and upset and taking that as my cue to leave. God, the goodbye was awful. I just said, "well, okay I should get going" and patted his shoulder and walked away. I felt a bit miserable after for being so heartless.

If only it were as easy as saying: I'll be good to you, you'll be good to me.

I am floating in a sea of necessities
My hands lift, My feet move, My eyes BLINK
and then, I find my lips twitching, failing, faltering
or maybe, I am decidedly moving forward towards something
I can understand
maybe, I am trying to find
What is necessary in a sea of necessities?

A few days ago Moh and I played a game of chess at The Gypsy Den. We ordered Coffee and Chili. Later, we went to Anita's and drank wine and played Truth or Dare with her Hungarian friends. Everyone got their fair share of making out and sexual exhibitions. I ended up giving Anita a raunchy lap dance and kissing a boy on my tippy-toes, then shoving him to the patio and locking him out. A notable night to say the least.

Today Illy, Moh, and I went to the beach at night and laughed and watched the waves lap onto the shore. Then we went back to my place and drank wine, Syrah, and they helped me move out. I have wonderful friends and love them all very much.

Due to a possible break in by a sex offender and a mold problem at my house I am currently staying at my neighbors apartment upstairs.

I'm drinking coffee and red wine while muddling through math equations. He's practicing the ukulele, badly, but he's learning quickly. There is a big window to my left that looks onto the street. Cars swoosh by riding the frequency of the Doppler effect. Treading footsteps float through the invisible loopholes of the glass molecules' slowly melting crystalline structure. It makes me feel real, in a way I haven't felt in awhile. Here I am, listening to the brass metal strings of a ukulele reverberate around the room, to the soft hum of a boy, to the outside noise of people oblivious to my presence. The reality carries me, caresses me.

There's a big window in the sky and the light is pouring through.
The light is pouring through like silk.

I am a long way from home.

They should have 24 hr coffee shops filled with comfy couches and rickety wooden tables. I would love that, the warm aroma of coffee floating in the air and a big window to watch the people pass by.

Instead, I'm here on my own couch at home. There's no coffee wafting about, and instead I spot a an odd bug crawling about the carpet. I just came back from watching the film Salt with Angelina Jolie in it. She's an amazing and grand woman, but unfortunately even she couldn't save the flat directing of the film. It was cliche, typical, and too obvious. Sigh, a shame as I was really looking forward to the film. But, that's Hollywood for you folks.

Although, I must say that I love the idea of Angelina's character, Salt. She's mysterious, confident, strong, and wickedly cool. It makes me want to run with the bulls, is that too much to ask?

Happy Day Today:)

Last night I was on Sunset, at a charity event modeling a gown for a small boutique. It was one of those things were the rich and big names of Hollywood come out to schmooze, drink champagne, and slip each other business cards.

The night was warm and I walked around with A, the other model, smiling and nodding and giggling over the rims of our glasses. There were directors, producers, actors, etc. pouring compliments like wine; A whispered in my ear and held my arm as we walked from conversation to conversation.

I like the Hollywood crowd, the intensity and adrenaline coursing through every syllable spoken. Everyone watching each other cautiously, calculating every tilt of the head and twitch of the lips.

An actor, who plays the villain in many movies, asked me out to the shooting range. His deep voice filled the room as we talked over the phone.

At this point, I still miss you, still in love with you, is that pathetic to say? Here I am doing everything I've always wanted. I run a magazine, I work at a fabulous internship, I have men falling in love with me, I go to parties and laugh over champagne, I model in clothes more expensive then my fucking rent. And here I am, thinking about you every moment that I'm not thinking about everything else.

Someone told me that I should just stop caring about you and all the bullshit. That hey, maybe I should try dating him or something. I wish I could, I really fucking wish I could.

He said that after I nearly burst into tears after running into you at the pub, when I said hi and tried making small talk. You just looked at me with complete disgust and bitterness edged along your voice. I got the point, you wanted me to walk the fuck out of there, in the other direction, away from you. It didn't help that there was a girl with you, looking at us back and forth.

After this, you've won. You get your wish, I'm letting go; I'll let myself get lost in this new world I've created for myself. Ciao, bye.

Today is my birthday. I am 22. I opened my email and found this in my inbox:

Dear FutureMe,
I hope by the time summer rolls around again, you're happy.
And maybe, still with him.


They had a cake for me and two other birthday girls at work. It was fluffy with lots of strawberries and whip cream. I smiled, my lips tight across my face, as they sang Happy Birthday!

Dinner later tonight with good friends. I feel out of place and not current at all. I'm going to wear a dark blue dress my mother gave me from the Philippines, then wrap myself with a leather belt.

There's something cold when you're right next to me
There's something odd about your pain
There's something cold when you're right next to me
Because you come in with the rain.

He says he takes it slow, takes it easy
He doesn't fall easily, doesn't want to hurt anybody
Blunt honesty is the best therapy
We lay across the bed, side by side
Our hands wrapped around ourselves, no touching
Watching the other one talk, about love and people in love
I told him I like being alone a lot, he does too
His distance and cautiousness teaches me
That reality is eventual, so let the sunshine in.

Tomorrow is eventual...so, let the sunshine, let it come...
-Au Revoir Simone

I'm so exhausted. Heading to the coffee shop to do some work. I want to fall asleep in a French song.

Oooo I want to get away.
I want I want to get away
and pour my life down the drain,
turn on the faucet and wash all of its dregs and silliness away,
watch all its troublesome nuances and pains swirl and spiral down into the plumbing
with complete satisfaction.

I'd start new and fresh.
Like a sparkling piece of dishware.
Unbreakable until its broken.

Today I am wearing short jean shorts that cut just below the butt cheek.
A gold shimmery tank top and a tiny forest green cashmere sweater over it.
My mom's silk scarf that she had since she was 18 is loosely tied around my neck.
The straps of my black leather sandals snake up towards my knee.
Outside the sun is pouring through the cloudy sky.

i'd like to be you
and be cold
like a fish freshly slaughtered
like a river frozen early in september
like something purposefully forgotten.

Or maybe i want purpose.
the way you feel when you remember my face
and are determined to look the other way
like I'm troublesome, a crack in new paint

I think though,
that I just want to be happy again
the way before all this
the thrill, the lust, the hope

Like those teeny movies with pretty sunsets
and soft focus and witty lines that lovers say before they fall in love.
I want that. That that wonder, that hope.

he called me
and we talked for a bit
i decided to end it
he asked me why
i said i cant see us
he said he never felt this way about anyone before
what changed, he asked me
what do i say here
that i'm heartbroken, demystified, and terrified to the point of nothing nothing
no, i can't say that but i try
so now we're friends
that know the truth of the dynamics
except he wants to fall in love despite of it all
and all i do is watch.

on the beach
watching the waves gently lap onto the shore
after talking for forever and watching the smoggy sky
He kisses me
His eyes are crinkly
I remember the situation
the breathing gets to me, the sadness in both our faces
or is that just something I'm looking for

We kiss at the door, after I leave.
Then he blows me off the next day.
My friend says there's a multitude of reasons.
But I'll be ok with just the fact.
Sometimes you accept that you don't know,
because all you can do
is watch the waves lap in and out
You can't stop the ocean.

It was strange. Standing on the edge of the parking lot, looking at each other. After taking a walk around the brick and color of Artists village and sitting in his car, I asked if he was seeing anybody. He said he didn't know what he wants. Isn't that everyone's problem? I told him to stop thinking about it. I said bye and got out of the car.

I ran into him right before a photoshoot. He was so cold it startled me.

My first day at work went great. I critiqued the writers and the features section without knowing that the owner of the company (who is coincidentally also a writer) was present. But I think it worked out in the end, constructive criticism turned out to be something she welcomed and she assigned me to the features section.

A cute boy who works at the warehouse chatted with me on my lunch break and invited me out to Downtown Huntington for my birthday. Which, I keep forgetting is coming up.

On the drive back home I started crying. When I parked in the garage I put my head against the steering wheel and wondered when this feeling would end. I hate still being in love with you.

In order to do great things you must believe that what you are doing is significant, has the capacity for change, and have your whole heart in it. There are no mistakes to great achievements, you either believe in yourself and your purpose, or you don't.

There's this raw raw feeling eating my insides.

Yesterday I went to Pasadena with my friend and her boy. We went to a lounge drenched in neon blue light. My friend and I pretended to be porn actresses, her boy being our director naturally. We danced and danced, he was the luckiest guy there haha. My friend hit on all the pretty girls while her boy and I giggled over our drinks as we watched. I flirted with the bartender and pretended to be French, oddly enough he spoke it, so that was a bit of a challenge. I wrote, "Try Harder" on a napkin I gave to him. When we got back to her boy's place they tried seducing me into a threesome, but I was much too drunk for that and chose the couch.

What an odd Wednesday night. Something much needed.

I heard this on the radio and it kinda ripped my heart in two, maybe cuz its partially true.

Funny date. Took me out to a wonderful hole in the wall full of pouty lips and tattoos. Talked a lot, discussed Dickens and Science Fiction. Then, when I leaned in to hug him goodbye my teeth clashed into his cheek. Awkward laughs and ungraceful departure out of car. Sigh, I am possibly the most clumsiest girl ever. Ha

I have a friend who constantly questions love, she wrote, "but if we were meant to be together, shouldn’t i fall for him hard no matter what the circumstances are, like romeo and juliet? isn’t that what love does to people, according to people - making irrational decisions? or on the contrary, do i just like him because there’s this big obstacle that is stimulating my competitive side to like him? or am i too old and wise to do that? or simply i don’t like him that much?"

It made me think. My conclusion: Love just happens. There is no reason or rationale behind it, it simply, is.

For the past few days I've had a swollen throat. A result of the sickly smog of L.A. My voice has been croaky, my words crooning over the air and reverberating back to my vocal chords, clumsily stroking their strings. I wore a black strapless cotton dress today, with a big brown leather belt and black leather gladiator sandals that snaked up my legs. I wore a straw hat with a thin black bow wrapped around it and danced with a red umbrella in my hand. And I sang to myself in the shade to no one in particular. I must have looked crazy, with my croaky voice and red umbrella in the hot hot heat of summer. But I don't mind.

I go back tomorrow but I don't want to. I've been busying myself with old friends and dark dive bars that play French music to accompany gruesome Peter Jackson films where men and women have their hearts pulled out by demons as the elegant French subtitles drift across the screen. And I've been dancing underneath mirrors and neon lights to the subterranean poundings of electro beats.

I met someone who told me that the baguettes in France melt in your mouth and he said I was a beautiful girl when his girlfriend's ear was turned away.

The whole time I've been watching all this as if it was behind the pixilated screen of a T.V.

I'm afraid if I go back I'll sink deeper into something I've tried my hardest to avoid. Its a tough thing to accept that you're the only one responsible for being so sad.

You ask me to be me
and I couldn't
even if I wanted to
in this sea of green post-it-note personalities.

I am oddly comfortable in this arid heat.
This bone-dry, barren, desolate desert.
It wraps around me, cradling my moist skin
With its parched lips, callused fingertips.
This heat
Holds me
Rattles me
Reminds me
Of my own bare-boned existence
In this merciless landscape.

I'm caught in the in between. I miss him so much sometimes, how I was more myself with him then anyone, how we laughed, his smile, how we would fall into our own happy party for only two. Then, something changed.

People tell me I'm happier now. Other people tell me I'm more mature, more serious, less fun and free.

I suppose at the moment I'm the girl who can get any guy she wants. I'm sexy, smart, and impenetrable. At least, that's what they see. But as much as I want to, I can't feel anything for them. Like someone has wrapped me in cellophane, the only thing I can feel is the plastic stretched across my fingertips.

Someone asked me if I was afraid of getting hurt. I said yes, but I lied. I'm terrified. I'm terrified. I'm terrified. How can I make it work with anyone, if I couldn't make it work with you? Someone I loved so fiercely and who loved me the same, if not more. Lately I think about the row boat, kissing underground, laughing in bed until the morning peaked through your blinds. I wonder if you even think about me, or if you've just moved on. Sometimes I wonder if either of us really will. When you do, if you do, I think my heart will break all over again.

Bumped into T today at the coffee shop, he looked ridiculously charming under the morning sky. When I told him how Moh always walks me to my car, he joked, "Well, he probably just wants to spend more time with you...I don't blame him." I laughed. He asked when I would be free and I said I'm busy all week. When did this become my life?

I'm an odd bug, a silly ol' firefly. Today a boy told me he loved me, I said I already knew that:)

I let him kiss me.
It felt so good to feel his fingers trace my body
but
when he turned around it reminded me of you.
And I don't think that's good.
So, we stopped kissing and I told him I'd call him the next day.
then left.

My fingers are itching to strum my guitar strings.
Too bad my brother snapped the E string when he was visiting.
I can hear someone playing outside my window
and it makes me want to sing.

Yesterday we were sitting in your car.
I was nervous and sad because of what I had to say.
I said: I think we should stop seeing each other.
You said, that's a bit drastic and pulled me in.
You said, What do you Want?
I don't know, To be Happy
Your face crinkled in concern
and for a moment
I couldn't help loving you.

Life is a casino
Like Halley's Comet
Crashing down
In a rush
Of fire and spacedust
Enter Here.

First issue of the mag is out. Mission Accomplished. I think I think I think I've found my calling. To write and experience and create CHANGE.

I am so mentally, physically, and emotionally exhausted right now. I just want to get away.

You're so kind, when I'm so cold
I beat it out of me

I feel so refined and oh so old
I beat it out of me

You love me like we're both 19
I beat it out of me
I beat it out of me
I beat it out of me

We're in this city so big and town so small,
moved our boxes pushed against the wall
We have this love, but do we have it all?

Let's dance forever.
No, I really mean it.
Let's live like we've got our whole lives ahead of us.
For this moment.
Like, everything is possible
because you know, everything is.
When I grab your hand in mine
Let's jump,
over the the ledge of this pier.
Watch the water below us, how its so dark and blue under the rush of the night
how our toes are dangling over the ambiguous edge.
The only thing separating us and the dark blue is the air in between.
So, let's jump.
Oh please Oh please!
We've been waiting our whole lives for this moment!

He talks with a languid overdose of excess.
Each word deliberate and mean baby
Like you got something to say,
and you do.

Which is why I'm on the edge of my seat
Leaning in closer while you sing and hit those guitar strings
I'm not looking for a love affair here
but i see you and you see me
and as the music gets louder,
our legs twitch to fall into the sublime.

You won't find me there.
You're looking around book stacks, brick corners, and concrete doors.
You won't find me there.
We're a clear shot from forever, a quick guitar beat from nowhere.
I just don't want to leave you brokenhearted.
I can be your sure shot little lady but you can't call me baby.
Because I'm just not the one.

Currently in love with T.S. Eliot's essay "Tradition and the Individual Talent."

I walked out on him. When I came back I said that "whatever we were doing" wasn't working for me. He put his glasses on and said he'd go on Wednesday because he wants me "to be happy."

I need to remind myself what is and isn't, what to expect and what not to expect, sometimes things are so brutally clear its exasperating.

I can swear its in the morning
And baby boy you're fornicating on my time

Red Lipstick was smeared across his mouth.
I asked him what it was.
He said: the truth.
I told him to wash it off and that I didn't want to see those kinds of things.
He started crying because he said he was falling for me and felt terrible.
I said: its ok, we're not together.
And now, he wants to give us:
"a shot."
But I don't understand what that means.
The city swallows us in its lights.

You scare me when you get too close. The closer I pull you, the farther I get. Its a problem I guess.

I was talking about the ambiguous the other day and god, what a scary thing it is.

Today he kissed me on his way out to work.
I popped my head from under the covers
and looked at him cautiously with my eyes open.
He said he would see me in a bit and that we would get drinks with my friends later tonight, but he told me to stay and sleep because that's what he would do.
When he left I lay in his bed, wrapped in his covers and watched the morning air blow through the open window. It was sunny outside and smelled like something new.

I don't like that word, "regret," it is utterly inefficient.

He said he thinks about me all the time but doesn't want to waste his time. So he said, "Tell me where I fit into this all." Into my story? Into my series of miscellaneous events? He said, "Yes." So I told him everything I was afraid of telling and when I finally let my breath out, he smiled. He's giving me the freedom and the emotion I've been looking for. I never imagined that I'd ever meet someone like this. He's brutally logical, yet one of the kindest and sincerest person I've met. I guess you could say he's radical with an equal amount of sensibility.

People are strange and funny things. They are enigmas and so painfully simple. They like to think that they are governed by logic, but more often than not it is their heart that runs them.

I called my mom up today about rent, but really I just wanted to talk about this heavy feeling that's been pressing at my brain.

Then we started talking about my little brother. He took the car keys from my mom telling her he just wanted to listen to the radio. Then the police were at the door telling us that he had crashed into a neighbor's car and was hallucinating. They sent him to the psychiatric ward. My mother didn't want to think about it and went to Florida for a conference. My parents blame him for the way he is and they secretly blame themselves. I wish everyone would stop grasping blindly and just take it for what it is. My little brother is a bit fucked up but he's just a kid.

My head hurts from the whirlwind. Magazine is coming along, man life is up in the air, friends are being wonderful creatures.

How has my life become so hectic lately? Let's see schedule for tomorrow: Write a New U article, read a French play, Meet w/ study group for Midterm tomorrow (that I have no clue about), squeeze 3 miles in here somewhere, arrange meetings for Jet-Lagged this week, Photoshoot til 7 to 10pm, follow up on Jet-Lagged writers, Review notes for midterm, sleep.

Lately I've been so apathetic to everything. The magazine, which I love and am putting my whole heart into, is the only part in my life that I can breath passion. I hardly go out anymore and I'm constantly working on news assignments. I've been so apathetic to the opposite sex lately its disconcerting. I have no urge to flirt or chat whimsically, I refuse dates even if I can see myself liking them, I don't answer texts. I simply have no genuine interest.

I think too, I've just seen how easily bullshit can get to people. And I don't want that in my life right now, so I'm steering clear. I feel like a robot with a post-it note personality.

Its as if I'm waiting for somebody to snap me out of it. When really I'm doing it to myself.

Reality is a difficult thing to set in stone. It is at once fluid and ambiguous. Liberating and Fearful. I wrote this poem while attempting sleep.

I miss the water by my window;
The feeling between my skin.
I miss everything about Childhood.
I miss the start where we begin.

He broke my heart
and
I broke his.
I miss the start where we begin.

I think I'm falling in love with life again
You couldn't change me back for anything
Its always the start of the beginning

Life is changing so quickly.
My heart is running to keep up.

You cannot use force among a moving people
A revolution is set in the mind
Instilled deeper than the bones
Written beyond the temporary pages of flesh.

You cannot pin down a memory
It will grow until it engulfs the sky
Rain until it floods civilizations

You cannot stop a true revolution,
A movement, A people.

A few weeks ago I found myself unwillingly in the midst of a love triangle. I told him goodbye and good luck.

Then the ex texted me hurtful things while I was making my way past the Vegas lights. The words stung and I realized I didn't know that person anymore.

Vegas, was a beautiful adventure by the way. We danced til four in the morning and breathed the thrill of the city for four days straight. I met someone who made me think I could fall in love someday. I'm not saying he's the one, I'm done with setting up expectations and jumping ahead of my silly self. But it makes me smile, to just know the possibility.

I thought I saw his car behind me while I was running. It slowed down and I kept walking. It made my mind stop and makes me think I'm afraid of loving again.

Someone told me that it's not about forgetting, it's about choosing to be happy or hurt:)

Seize the moment, Grab it, Before it hits the floor

Sometimes life chews you up to spit you out, brand spanking new.

Today I found out I am in love with life and all its endless possibilities. Someday I'm going to reach the ends of Egypt and wade my feet in the Nile.

The pages of this calender drift
in and out of memory.
The soft paper flips casually from
one week to the next then
all of a Sudden
one month is gone,
the days synchronized and squished
into neat little boxes and numbers.
Like that,
time pushes relentlessly forward
the ebb and flow of us
forgotten in the names of passing seasons.
The only thing you can do
is feel the moist earth with your bare feet
to remember that for the moment
you are grounded.

I fell asleep while watching t.v
The static colors played against
the back of my eyelids.
Dull neon greens and yellows
flashed dully, etching
themselves into my memory.
I absorbed everything.
The garish chatter of cartoons
pressing demands of infomercials
soft whispers of soap operas
hurried voices of newscasters

And then,
our story played
our very own sitcom on the airwaves
we laughed,
we fought,
we cried,
we loved,
and then all of a sudden
It ended.
A to be continued...
stoic on the screen.

But by then I had woken up
Because
real life is so much better
Then the static color and noise
and the tentative be continues.
I don't have to wait for the next episode
because real life is so much better.

I'm trying hard to understand this world we're living in
I used to think it was possible to
Fall in and out of love so easily
That heartbreak was beautiful and the messy aftermath
was Thrilling
But who am I kidding
All I want is love.

Today I discovered life while falling down the Stairs.

I want to feel the way you feel in the morning
Like you just got off the first train heading north
And there's a heavy dose of sunlight
Pouring like rain and
Everything is perfect in that moment
When the sky is brilliant blue and
Suddenly you're not so alone
because you realize
You're finally home.

I have a funny feeling in my bones

I think I'm on the brink of self-discovery
and if my world fell down
I wouldn't need you to catch me.

Its funny how people's true colors show when they have no need for false fronts.

Today I am feeling wonderfully liberated.

I don't know where I'd find you
I keep my eyes closed
I keep looking

I think you're in the shower
I kept the drain on
It keeps leaking

You tell me that you love me
Then my heart stops
I keep hoping

But I will learn to let go
I'm moving forward
There's no stopping

Maybe someday you'll find me
On a path where I'll be walking
By then I'd have learn to let go
Moving forward, there's no stopping.

I am falling from grace
Slowly making this place
My home

A week ago my heart was broken.

A week ago my heart was broken. In a way I feel betrayed by someone who once told me we would always be in love. It was childish and naive to think that way, the world is so rigid and real but I couldn't help it. And at the same time I hope the best for him, this boy that I love so much, in the end I just hope he figures himself out. And with that I'll move forward, my heart heavy with distrust and hurt. My brother told me to understand and to not let the past get ahead of me.

On the train I met an 18 year old boy, running from Kansas, who taught me that life is so much bigger than myself and filled with so much discovery. He even left me with his hardcover art book, telling me that I "needed it more than him and that it will help you take your mind off your ex." I've only experienced/seen that kind of genuine kindness so rarely in life.

Yesterday I met with an old friend who taught me that yes, this painful empty feeling will someday be replaced with fond memories and that yes, I can fall in love again someday.

Right now, I feel this empty and sad calm, something so dreadful my tears can't even express it. What do you do when someone you were willing to love unconditionally tells you that they don't love you? Right now, all I can do is hope for the best and look ahead because deep down inside I know the possibilities of life do not fail to thrill me. And as of right now, I am learning to let go of love.