A few days ago Moh and I played a game of chess at The Gypsy Den. We ordered Coffee and Chili. Later, we went to Anita's and drank wine and played Truth or Dare with her Hungarian friends. Everyone got their fair share of making out and sexual exhibitions. I ended up giving Anita a raunchy lap dance and kissing a boy on my tippy-toes, then shoving him to the patio and locking him out. A notable night to say the least.

Today Illy, Moh, and I went to the beach at night and laughed and watched the waves lap onto the shore. Then we went back to my place and drank wine, Syrah, and they helped me move out. I have wonderful friends and love them all very much.

Due to a possible break in by a sex offender and a mold problem at my house I am currently staying at my neighbors apartment upstairs.

I'm drinking coffee and red wine while muddling through math equations. He's practicing the ukulele, badly, but he's learning quickly. There is a big window to my left that looks onto the street. Cars swoosh by riding the frequency of the Doppler effect. Treading footsteps float through the invisible loopholes of the glass molecules' slowly melting crystalline structure. It makes me feel real, in a way I haven't felt in awhile. Here I am, listening to the brass metal strings of a ukulele reverberate around the room, to the soft hum of a boy, to the outside noise of people oblivious to my presence. The reality carries me, caresses me.

There's a big window in the sky and the light is pouring through.
The light is pouring through like silk.

I am a long way from home.

They should have 24 hr coffee shops filled with comfy couches and rickety wooden tables. I would love that, the warm aroma of coffee floating in the air and a big window to watch the people pass by.

Instead, I'm here on my own couch at home. There's no coffee wafting about, and instead I spot a an odd bug crawling about the carpet. I just came back from watching the film Salt with Angelina Jolie in it. She's an amazing and grand woman, but unfortunately even she couldn't save the flat directing of the film. It was cliche, typical, and too obvious. Sigh, a shame as I was really looking forward to the film. But, that's Hollywood for you folks.

Although, I must say that I love the idea of Angelina's character, Salt. She's mysterious, confident, strong, and wickedly cool. It makes me want to run with the bulls, is that too much to ask?

Happy Day Today:)

Last night I was on Sunset, at a charity event modeling a gown for a small boutique. It was one of those things were the rich and big names of Hollywood come out to schmooze, drink champagne, and slip each other business cards.

The night was warm and I walked around with A, the other model, smiling and nodding and giggling over the rims of our glasses. There were directors, producers, actors, etc. pouring compliments like wine; A whispered in my ear and held my arm as we walked from conversation to conversation.

I like the Hollywood crowd, the intensity and adrenaline coursing through every syllable spoken. Everyone watching each other cautiously, calculating every tilt of the head and twitch of the lips.

An actor, who plays the villain in many movies, asked me out to the shooting range. His deep voice filled the room as we talked over the phone.

At this point, I still miss you, still in love with you, is that pathetic to say? Here I am doing everything I've always wanted. I run a magazine, I work at a fabulous internship, I have men falling in love with me, I go to parties and laugh over champagne, I model in clothes more expensive then my fucking rent. And here I am, thinking about you every moment that I'm not thinking about everything else.

Someone told me that I should just stop caring about you and all the bullshit. That hey, maybe I should try dating him or something. I wish I could, I really fucking wish I could.

He said that after I nearly burst into tears after running into you at the pub, when I said hi and tried making small talk. You just looked at me with complete disgust and bitterness edged along your voice. I got the point, you wanted me to walk the fuck out of there, in the other direction, away from you. It didn't help that there was a girl with you, looking at us back and forth.

After this, you've won. You get your wish, I'm letting go; I'll let myself get lost in this new world I've created for myself. Ciao, bye.

Today is my birthday. I am 22. I opened my email and found this in my inbox:

Dear FutureMe,
I hope by the time summer rolls around again, you're happy.
And maybe, still with him.


They had a cake for me and two other birthday girls at work. It was fluffy with lots of strawberries and whip cream. I smiled, my lips tight across my face, as they sang Happy Birthday!

Dinner later tonight with good friends. I feel out of place and not current at all. I'm going to wear a dark blue dress my mother gave me from the Philippines, then wrap myself with a leather belt.

There's something cold when you're right next to me
There's something odd about your pain
There's something cold when you're right next to me
Because you come in with the rain.

He says he takes it slow, takes it easy
He doesn't fall easily, doesn't want to hurt anybody
Blunt honesty is the best therapy
We lay across the bed, side by side
Our hands wrapped around ourselves, no touching
Watching the other one talk, about love and people in love
I told him I like being alone a lot, he does too
His distance and cautiousness teaches me
That reality is eventual, so let the sunshine in.

Tomorrow is eventual...so, let the sunshine, let it come...
-Au Revoir Simone

I'm so exhausted. Heading to the coffee shop to do some work. I want to fall asleep in a French song.

Oooo I want to get away.
I want I want to get away
and pour my life down the drain,
turn on the faucet and wash all of its dregs and silliness away,
watch all its troublesome nuances and pains swirl and spiral down into the plumbing
with complete satisfaction.

I'd start new and fresh.
Like a sparkling piece of dishware.
Unbreakable until its broken.

Today I am wearing short jean shorts that cut just below the butt cheek.
A gold shimmery tank top and a tiny forest green cashmere sweater over it.
My mom's silk scarf that she had since she was 18 is loosely tied around my neck.
The straps of my black leather sandals snake up towards my knee.
Outside the sun is pouring through the cloudy sky.

i'd like to be you
and be cold
like a fish freshly slaughtered
like a river frozen early in september
like something purposefully forgotten.

Or maybe i want purpose.
the way you feel when you remember my face
and are determined to look the other way
like I'm troublesome, a crack in new paint

I think though,
that I just want to be happy again
the way before all this
the thrill, the lust, the hope

Like those teeny movies with pretty sunsets
and soft focus and witty lines that lovers say before they fall in love.
I want that. That that wonder, that hope.

he called me
and we talked for a bit
i decided to end it
he asked me why
i said i cant see us
he said he never felt this way about anyone before
what changed, he asked me
what do i say here
that i'm heartbroken, demystified, and terrified to the point of nothing nothing
no, i can't say that but i try
so now we're friends
that know the truth of the dynamics
except he wants to fall in love despite of it all
and all i do is watch.

on the beach
watching the waves gently lap onto the shore
after talking for forever and watching the smoggy sky
He kisses me
His eyes are crinkly
I remember the situation
the breathing gets to me, the sadness in both our faces
or is that just something I'm looking for

We kiss at the door, after I leave.
Then he blows me off the next day.
My friend says there's a multitude of reasons.
But I'll be ok with just the fact.
Sometimes you accept that you don't know,
because all you can do
is watch the waves lap in and out
You can't stop the ocean.

It was strange. Standing on the edge of the parking lot, looking at each other. After taking a walk around the brick and color of Artists village and sitting in his car, I asked if he was seeing anybody. He said he didn't know what he wants. Isn't that everyone's problem? I told him to stop thinking about it. I said bye and got out of the car.